Stabler vs Stabler
by nalaa
Summary: Some dialogues between Dad and Son.


A long time ago ... In a land far away ... I'm kidding. When I was like 12 I began reading fanfiction and I remember reading an X Files story that made me laugh so hard! I started looking for it but I couldn't find it ... I remembered some things so I used them as an inspiration to write this. It's a bit OOC but I had so much fun writing it. I really hope you like it!!

* * *

**STABLER vs. STABLER**

_**7 months**_

"Well, Ian. We're gonna try it again. This is a spoon. This spoon is your friend, it's not going to hurt you and it's not some missile you have to throw to me, ok?"

"Aaaaaaahpsffffffsss."

"I'll translate it like a yes. Ok, now watch the spoon … Open your moooooouth…"

"AaaaaaaaaaaaaPPPPPPPPPPPPRRRRRRRRRR."

"Ian, no. The idea is that you OPEN your mouth so I can place the spoon in there. Don't do raspberries."

"Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaada. DAAAAAAAAADAAAAAAAAAA."

"Yes, I'm your Dada. That's great. I understand that this weird food is not what you want at this moment but ... Stop it, Ian; leave the bib alone ... Where was I? Yeah. I know you'd prefer a steak or something like that, I'm sorry buddy. And I gave my word to your mother that today I'd feed you. So help me, please..."

"Baaaaaaaaaaaaabuuuuuuhh…"

"Looook, Ian!! It's a plaaaaaaaaaaaane!! Brrrrrrrrr … The plaaaaane…"

"Mmmmmmmmmmn."

"Ok, you don't like the plane. Let's try a different thing. Ian! A truck! A truck full of baby food that wants to get into your mouth!!"

"Aaaaaaaaapopopopopopopoooooooooooopopo…"

"Ian Donald Stabler, that's enough! I didn't want appeal to this but I'm gonna call your mother so she can lecture you again about the importance of a good nutrition. Yes, don't shake your head."

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah"

"You open your mouth now, no? I knew that threading you with calling your mother would make you eat… Great! Now, spoon going to your moutt…"

"PPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPRRRRRRFFFFFFFFFF."

"OLIVIA!! My shirt was clean!! I'm not gonna feed him again until he's able to cook what he'll eat!!!"

**************************************

_**18 months**_

"Look, Ian, a phone. Do you know how to say telephone?"

"El."

"No, Ian. This is not a cell, it's a normal phone. There are phones that aren't cells, even if your mother and I only use the other ones. Say it: te-le-pho-ne."

"Eeeeeeeeeeeel."

"No, teleeephone. _Ring-Ring_. It's ringing. ¿Yeah? Yes, Ian, it's for you. It's mom. Say hi to mom."

"Iv, me."

"Liv, it's me? What kind of education are we giving to you? Ok, let's try another thing. Look at this!! It's a photo! Who is this?"

"Mama!!!!!!!"

"Very good. And this?"

"On."

"Yes, it's Grandpa Don. And this?"

"Munch!!!!"

"Yeah, that's him. And this?"

"Itch."

"Itch? Ian, this is Kathy not … Ian, have you heard it from Mom? That she's an itch?"

"Yeeees, Athy itch."

"That's a very bad word Ian. Mommy says it but you can't, ok?"

"Itch."

"Great, that's great. The only name you can pronounce right is John's and you called my ex a bitch. Let's go to the playground son."

**************************************

_**8 years**_

"Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad…."

"Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat…"

"What's a coitus?"

"PPPPPRRRFFFFFFFFFFFFFF!!"

"Oooooooh … there's water everywhere! I'm not cleaning this!!"

"What did you say?"

"What's a coitus?"

"Where the hell did you learn that word?"

"Ricky told me while we were playing that he's gonna have a baby brother and that is because his father gave a coitus to his mother and his mother put it into her belly and now his brother is there, from the coitus, and he's gonna live in his mother's belly until he's born. What's a coitus, Daddy?"

"I don't want you playing with Ricky again."

"Coooooome on Daddy!!!!"

"Ok, Ian. Come here, sit with me. Well… when a man and a woman are in love … well … Do you remember that we talked about the spermatozoids?"

"Yes."

"Good. Do you remember that we also talked about eggs?"

"The ones we cook?"

"No, son. Eggs, ovules … The ones that women have."

"Yeah, I remember."

"Well … When the spermatozoid from dad gets into the egg from mom, this is called fertilization and 9 months later it'll be a baby."

"And where's the coitus?"

"Mmm … the coitus is … the way that dad gives the spermatozoids to mom."

*Sigh*

"And how does he give them to her?"

"You know Ian? You'll learn all this in school; they'll explain it to you very well. Go to play with your friends. But not with Ricky!!!"

"You always pass over the best part!!"

"Don't get mad, your teachers will explain it to you soon, I promise."

"Ooooooooook. Only one more question."

"You scare me."

"Is this related to the funny noises…"

"Do you hear this Ian? It's the door!! Mom is home!! Ask her, she'll be delighted to explain it to you."

**************************************

_**17 years**_

""Slow down, Ian. Slow down … STOP!!"

"Dad, we're still in the garage. Aren't you a little bit tense?"

"Ian, it's the first time you are behind a wheel. My only references of your ability to drive are when I see you with your bike and, believe me, they aren't good. I have reasons to be nervous."

"Ok, I promise that I won't go too fast."

"You'll go slow. Seat belt? Ok, start again."

"Let's turn on the radio."

"Ian, concentrate on driving, not on the music. Careful with that tree!!!"

"Dad, that tree is very far. And listening to some music will relax me. And you could use some of it too…"

"Ok, turn on the radio."

"…_Don't go breaking my heart … I couldn't if I tried … Honey if I get restless … Baby you're not that kind…_"

"Uggh … old music."

"Old? Ian, it's Elton John."

"Who's that?"

"Who's that???? I can't believe it."

"Come on! You aren't cool! Now we listen to Bloody Brain or Little Black Dead Cats. That's cool!!"

"That's their name or their health condition?"

"Ha ha ha, very funny Dad.

"Hey, look ahead."

"You should be proud of me. I've been driving for a while and I haven't killed anybody."

"Ian, this is a residential area and we're in an empty street. It's impossible to kill someone."

"No, Dad. Correction. It's highly unlikely to kill someone, but not impossible. I could lose control and rush into one of the houses, bursting in the living room and killing a little girl that was enjoying her last day of summer break playing _Go fish!_ with her family."

"All of this going this slow? You're a drama queen Ian."

"You know, I've been thinking about this."

"About what? Becoming a suicidal driver to murder innocent girls?"

"No, being an actor."

"You're kidding me, right?"

"I don't know … My teachers tell me that I'm good at it, and I like it. Are you surprised?"

"You can't be serious."

"No, Dad, I'm kidding. What I wanna do is continue with the family business, be a cop and go after rapists, murderers and child molesters. I could be famous and end doing some show on TV."

"Don't be sarcastic, and slow down. What your mother and I do is important."

"I know!! And I respect you two for it, but I don't want to be a cop. And when Serena said that she wanted to be a ballerina you didn't tell her anything."

"Your sister was 7 when she wanted to be a ballerina."

"And?"

"And what? Well, she … CAREFUL WITH THE STREET LIGHT!!"

*CRASH*

"Eeeehhh… Sorry?"

"Son …"

"Yes Dad?"

"Be what you wanna be but listen carefully to me."

"I'm listening."

"NEVER, and with this I wanna say NEVER, pick a job in which you have to drive something with wheels."

**THE END**


End file.
